Conversations I hate
Ring Ring, Ring Ring, Ring Ring, Ring Ring,
"Hello?"
"Hi is this the Ompa Loompa Hardware Store?"
"Ahhhhhh yeah? Who were you after?"
"Do you have any 3 or 5 meter extension cords?"
"Ahhhhh we might do. What did you want them for?"
"You either have them in stock, or you don't. Which is it?"
"Oh well bullshit, bullshit, bullshit..."
click.
And then we get the salesman...
Ring Ring, Ring Ring, Ring Ring, Ring Ring,
"Hello, you've rung Amazo Stiffo Hard Ware. My name is Willy Stiff. How can I help you?"
"Do you have any 3 or 5 meter extension cords?"
"Yes we have them in stock. These are all heavy duty ones, with thick insulation, safety yellow in color and glowing neon plugs on the ends to show they are plugged in and turned on.
These are not the cheapy ones...
It's $8.99 for the 3 meter one and $14.99 for the 5 meter one. We have 4 of each size in stock."
"They sound terrific, just what I am after."
"We can arrange payment and delivery over the phone, or were you wanting to come in and pick them up. How many of each are you after?"
And
"Were you after any spares like work lights, power boards, LED bulbs, torches, tools, screw drivers etc?
Do you know that this month we are having a special on Frat Detectors."
Lady: Really, I only came in looking for French cigarettes. I don’t suppose you have French cigarettes?
Arkwright: No, but we have English ones that you can smoke with a foreign accent.
Lady: I only smoke the French.
Arkwright: Best thing that could happen to them.
Lady: I remember a shop like this when I was a child.
Arkwright: Yes, yes, so do I, this is it.
Lady: I suppose its long been condemned.
Arkwright: As a matter of fact, we are on the verge of the very same thing ourselves you know.
Lady: Really?
Arkwright: Oh yes, on account of the frats.
Lady: The frats?
Arkwright: Yes, oh they’re everywhere you know. They get under your floorboards, your skirting boards, in your cavity walls, you’ve had it if they get into your cabinet.
Lady: People in this age have cavity walls?
Arkwright: Well, we didn’t use to have them until frats got in, you see.
Lady: What are these frats?
Arkwright: Frats, oh, they are a nasty cross between a ferret and a rat.
Lady: A ferret and a rat?
Arkwright: Yes.
Lady: And do they interbreed?
Arkwright: That’s all they ever do do, night and day. It only takes a jiffy, they tell me. It happened first by accident when two of the little creatures tried to force themselves between the same narrow aperture and then ummm... like that, you see, and of course, once having got the knack...
Lady: The knack?
Arkwright: Yes, oh, the knack of producing frats. Or as we say locally, fraternisation.
Lady: And um, you’ve got them here?
Arkwright: We’ve got them everywhere, they are spreading like wild frats.
Lady: Surely there was an epidemic, I mean the health authorities...
Arkwright: No, no, no, no, no, they daren’t risk a panic you see. They just send someone along to put a couple of holes in your walls, and tell you you’ve got nothing. The trouble is, officially, the problem doesn’t exist.
Lady: What does one do?
Arkwright: One acquires a frat detector. Something that burns economically on a low light. A pleasant little yellow flame that turns green the moment the frats appear. (Picks up an old kerosene lamp) That’s one.
"Hello?"
"Hi is this the Ompa Loompa Hardware Store?"
"Ahhhhhh yeah? Who were you after?"
"Do you have any 3 or 5 meter extension cords?"
"Ahhhhh we might do. What did you want them for?"
"You either have them in stock, or you don't. Which is it?"
"Oh well bullshit, bullshit, bullshit..."
click.
And then we get the salesman...
Ring Ring, Ring Ring, Ring Ring, Ring Ring,
"Hello, you've rung Amazo Stiffo Hard Ware. My name is Willy Stiff. How can I help you?"
"Do you have any 3 or 5 meter extension cords?"
"Yes we have them in stock. These are all heavy duty ones, with thick insulation, safety yellow in color and glowing neon plugs on the ends to show they are plugged in and turned on.
These are not the cheapy ones...
It's $8.99 for the 3 meter one and $14.99 for the 5 meter one. We have 4 of each size in stock."
"They sound terrific, just what I am after."
"We can arrange payment and delivery over the phone, or were you wanting to come in and pick them up. How many of each are you after?"
And
"Were you after any spares like work lights, power boards, LED bulbs, torches, tools, screw drivers etc?
Do you know that this month we are having a special on Frat Detectors."
Lady: Really, I only came in looking for French cigarettes. I don’t suppose you have French cigarettes?
Arkwright: No, but we have English ones that you can smoke with a foreign accent.
Lady: I only smoke the French.
Arkwright: Best thing that could happen to them.
Lady: I remember a shop like this when I was a child.
Arkwright: Yes, yes, so do I, this is it.
Lady: I suppose its long been condemned.
Arkwright: As a matter of fact, we are on the verge of the very same thing ourselves you know.
Lady: Really?
Arkwright: Oh yes, on account of the frats.
Lady: The frats?
Arkwright: Yes, oh they’re everywhere you know. They get under your floorboards, your skirting boards, in your cavity walls, you’ve had it if they get into your cabinet.
Lady: People in this age have cavity walls?
Arkwright: Well, we didn’t use to have them until frats got in, you see.
Lady: What are these frats?
Arkwright: Frats, oh, they are a nasty cross between a ferret and a rat.
Lady: A ferret and a rat?
Arkwright: Yes.
Lady: And do they interbreed?
Arkwright: That’s all they ever do do, night and day. It only takes a jiffy, they tell me. It happened first by accident when two of the little creatures tried to force themselves between the same narrow aperture and then ummm... like that, you see, and of course, once having got the knack...
Lady: The knack?
Arkwright: Yes, oh, the knack of producing frats. Or as we say locally, fraternisation.
Lady: And um, you’ve got them here?
Arkwright: We’ve got them everywhere, they are spreading like wild frats.
Lady: Surely there was an epidemic, I mean the health authorities...
Arkwright: No, no, no, no, no, they daren’t risk a panic you see. They just send someone along to put a couple of holes in your walls, and tell you you’ve got nothing. The trouble is, officially, the problem doesn’t exist.
Lady: What does one do?
Arkwright: One acquires a frat detector. Something that burns economically on a low light. A pleasant little yellow flame that turns green the moment the frats appear. (Picks up an old kerosene lamp) That’s one.
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